I’m gone

Good times can't last forever
The best days are gone
The sun set on my better days
Now it's just past dawn
.
Waking up to my new self
Not sure now who I am
I need someone to help me
And no one gives a damn
.
Looking back, I had it good
But only wanted more.
Then, I was full of life
Now, I'm just a bore
.
This isn't who I thought I'd be
And all I've done is fall
If my brain were fucking normal
I could have had it all.
.
I don't think about a future
I'm stuck living in the past
I want to go back, do it right
Because it all went by too fast.
.
Nostalgia is my ball and chain
It's keeping me stuck here
Never moving forward now
The unknown future is fear

Falling down

No one sees
No one hears

Pain.
Always pain.

I want to feel alive.
Free.

No one's there
No one's here

Falling.
Always falling.

I just need help up.

Anxiety, the annoying bitch

Anxiety is such a weird thing. This constant insecurity in my head telling me I’m annoying or weird, that I just need to shut up and not talk to people. Taking every little thing so personally. I try to put on a smile and ignore it. I try to argue with myself and say no I’m not annoying and I’m worth talking to. But I never win. 

I know I can’t talk about my mental health because it makes people uncomfortable and they don’t want to hear it. People want entertainment and fun, they dont want to be dragged down with my problems. The only friends I have are the ones who suffer from the same problems and understand. 

I hate feeling so alone when I’d be willing to open up my heart to anyone and let them in. I’d listen to anyone with problems and do anything I could to help. I would consider myself a damn good friend to be honest and I hate being too scared to put myself out there because I think I’m annoying them or they dont like me and never could. 
So tonight I’m going to drink it away and try to act like the only problem in my life is boredom. I’m going to bite my tongue and not say what I think, feel, or want. I’ll drink until the insecurities shut up or until I can provide some entertainment since that’s what invites people in. Push the pain back. Ignore it. Blog about it, but never talk about it. 
Drink my feelings away and try to seem indifferent, when all I want is that one person to talk to. 

My heart

A heart that falls too fast

Then pushes them away

Nothing can ever last

When I won’t let them stay 

.

A heart that feels too much

hears the things unheard

It flutters at one touch

It shatters at one word

.

A heart that’s still afraid

To feel the pain once more 

From messes I have made

Being a self saboteur 

*

*

Unfinished. But I think I’ll leave it that way. 

The good things. The small things. 

The things that make me smile that I hold on to when life seems dark and sad. 
Standing in the rain while the sun is shining on you at the same time. 

Sunrise, a new beginning. Sunset, a beautiful ending. 

A warm breeze 

The sound of laughter 

A hug when you’re feeling down

The fact that animals exist. So beautiful and innocent and comforting. 

Friends who always get you. 

The sound of thunder and rain. 

Making someone smile. 

Dancing and singing to a good song in the car and not caring who sees. 

My faith. 

Please no

A little scared that I’m falling back into the hole. 

Crazy how one person can matter so much to you while you mean nothing to them. 

This is complete insanity 

I’m so shocked. The more progressively positive I become, the more people are drawn to me. I was so depressed and defeated about being lonely but I somehow crawled out of that hole of depression for what I thought would be a short while, but the happier I became, the more people started talking to me and just acknowledging me. 
Positivity is contagious. These amazing people that are in my life now continue to help my depression decrease and things are falling into place so perfectly. 
This makes it so sad realizing that people suffering from depression are so close to happiness but crawling out of that hole doesn’t happen just because you want it to. 
It gets better. It gets better. It gets better. 

That deep dark secret 

The secret.

After close to 20 years I finally told someone. I talked about it. It took some tequila and a safe space but I told my secret to someone who went through the same thing. I’ve been happier ever since. 

I get moments where now I’m terrified that it will get out but that’s just the anxiety. I trust this person. I told them everything and they didn’t look down on me or judge me. 

This person is probably the most important person in my life and it felt really good to get that weight off my shoulders. 

Childhood trauma will haunt you for life and there is no getting around it.  But holding it in and being terrified to speak of it even as an adult was very unhealthy. I never even told a therapist when I had one. 

Please make sure you don’t let that weight on your shoulders make you sink. Talk to a professional or a trusted friend. Stop sinking and learn to swim. 

Self sabotage 

Self sabotage. Okay. So, although it’s definitely easier to point fingers and place blame, so much of my unhappiness is my own fault. When things are going well, I end up overthinking and destroying everything good I have going for me. I ruin friendships and relationships. Honestly I will run as far away from happy and successful people as I possibly can. With where I am in life, it’s too intimidating to try to interact with people who have it together. I got set up with someone like that and was furious. I should be grateful and if nothing else, make a new friend. But when I see myself as a low life loser, I get extremely uncomfortable and just run from those people. I am nothing compared to that. The worst way I sabotage my happiness is presenting myself as a girl who just wants to hook up and ditch. I very successfully find company that way, for one night. Why do I do that? I want love and I want long-term relationships, I want to find the love of my life and have a family and success. But that seems so far out of reach that I don’t even attempt to present myself in the way I want to. I hate one night stands. I hate to smash and dash. But I do it. It’s funny because it only makes me feel even more like scum. Unclean, undesirable. Unlovable.