Self sabotage 

Self sabotage. Okay. So, although it’s definitely easier to point fingers and place blame, so much of my unhappiness is my own fault. When things are going well, I end up overthinking and destroying everything good I have going for me. I ruin friendships and relationships. Honestly I will run as far away from happy and successful people as I possibly can. With where I am in life, it’s too intimidating to try to interact with people who have it together. I got set up with someone like that and was furious. I should be grateful and if nothing else, make a new friend. But when I see myself as a low life loser, I get extremely uncomfortable and just run from those people. I am nothing compared to that. The worst way I sabotage my happiness is presenting myself as a girl who just wants to hook up and ditch. I very successfully find company that way, for one night. Why do I do that? I want love and I want long-term relationships, I want to find the love of my life and have a family and success. But that seems so far out of reach that I don’t even attempt to present myself in the way I want to. I hate one night stands. I hate to smash and dash. But I do it. It’s funny because it only makes me feel even more like scum. Unclean, undesirable. Unlovable. 

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