Anxiety is such a weird thing. This constant insecurity in my head telling me I’m annoying or weird, that I just need to shut up and not talk to people. Taking every little thing so personally. I try to put on a smile and ignore it. I try to argue with myself and say no I’m not annoying and I’m worth talking to. But I never win.
I know I can’t talk about my mental health because it makes people uncomfortable and they don’t want to hear it. People want entertainment and fun, they dont want to be dragged down with my problems. The only friends I have are the ones who suffer from the same problems and understand.
I hate feeling so alone when I’d be willing to open up my heart to anyone and let them in. I’d listen to anyone with problems and do anything I could to help. I would consider myself a damn good friend to be honest and I hate being too scared to put myself out there because I think I’m annoying them or they dont like me and never could.
So tonight I’m going to drink it away and try to act like the only problem in my life is boredom. I’m going to bite my tongue and not say what I think, feel, or want. I’ll drink until the insecurities shut up or until I can provide some entertainment since that’s what invites people in. Push the pain back. Ignore it. Blog about it, but never talk about it.
Drink my feelings away and try to seem indifferent, when all I want is that one person to talk to.